A Little Down in the Dumps

It's been a couple of months since I've posted and quite honestly it's not because of the fact that I have been super busy with Thanksgiving, birthday party planning, running kids around, getting ready for winter break, keeping kids busy and happy during break, back to school......It's really because I've been struggling to have anything inspiring to say! I have been on the verge of breaking down over the last few weeks and the only thing I can say is that I feel like I'm sinking. My hormones are whacked and in return I'm feeling depressed, overly emotional and then completely unemotional, uninspired, grumpy, and definitely NOT sexy. Trying to continue in being a successful mom and wife have proven to be almost impossible! I'll make it I know and I'll get through all of this, but the shear fright of what is happening to me is really hard to deal with! The last time things were this bad for me was after my first daughter was born. I feel the same panic inside of me as I felt after her, but I think I'm dealing with things a little better given the fact that I have so many responsibilities and because I'm 13 years older. I say that, and then I realize how much I just want to scream, cry, hit something or someone, curl up in a ball, sleep.... It's so hard to know what to do! Finding the strength and motivation to even make phone calls in order to see a doctor or shrink, is trying. I'm just not me! Part of what sent me spiraling down hill is the fact that loosing any weight has been so hard since my son was born. In fact, I've gained weight since giving birth.....If you can believe that! I've Googled and found that many other women are dealing with this same problem! Which by the way, doesn't make me feel any better! It just makes me a slightly jealous of those mommies who aren't having this problem. Just being honest! You can only try so hard for so long without any results before tossing in the towel. It's not like he was just born or anything, He just turned a year old!
Depression has always seemed to be my shadow. Just hanging around for the right time to strike me and stand over me as a pouring rain cloud. My PCOS has a large role to play in my inability to loose weight, but before having my son I really had no symptoms and now this horrible thing is rearing it's ugly face once again. All the things that used to work in controlling it, aren't working. And I HATE taking drugs for the problem, but at this point I'm considering it! It's literally been my whole life on and off of dealing with weight problems.... and it is quite mentally challenging to get through all the baggage I have from all of it. I feel stuck! Stuck and hopeless much of the time. And worst of all, I feel like such a hypocrite! I've said so many things to my daughters about their confidence issues. "You are the only one who has the power to change the way you see yourself". "You are so beautiful! You are just the way God wanted you to be". I hear things like this in my head, and yet I just can't make myself believe them! I guess things like this help me to see that many times there are situations where the phrase "mind over matter" just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I think if you try to succeed in something, you should keep trying until you are happy with your results, It's just that depression has a way of disabling you in a way that is so strong, nothing can stop it.  Sure someone can help you temporarily maybe, but no one can snap you our of it long term! It has to come from inside of yourself. I'm just not there yet! And this is not a plea for someone to help me, because it really only makes things worse! My usual ability to see things with an encouraging perspective and through my learning glasses is just not working currently, so I do apologize! Hopefully if I have said anything that rings true to how you're feeling, you'll know you're not alone. We just have to keep moving inch by inch in the right direction even if yesterday put us back a few....Easier said than done.... I know! 

BALDING WITH STRETCH MARKS

WARNING: It is strongly recommended that women who have NOT had children be cautioned and move on to the next post. May not be appropriate for all audiences.

Well I know I just started this blog, but I feel I need to write something to help all you new and old mommies to know YOU'RE NOT ALONE! I just had my baby boy 10 months ago and being that there were six years between my last baby and this pregnancy, I have to say there were many things that I did not remember about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and after birth. I know every pregnancy and experience is usually different and it definitely was for me this time around! Pregnancy is wonderful and beautiful and some women carry with such grace and cuteness.....unfortunately that's not me! As soon as I take that pregnancy test somehow my brain tells my body to start packing on the weight and so I immediately have to start unpacking the prego clothes! At least maternity clothes have started becoming more attractive! I remember with my oldest who is now almost 13, it was like I was expected to become a knitted frumpy grandma in order to become a mother. Most of the clothes I had were waist-less smocks with patterns that belonged on a bedspread. With this pregnancy I already had the stretch marks from my previous pregnancies so that was nothing new, my sciatic pain was tolerable, but 6 months into my pregnancy I developed this horrible condition called Symphysis Pubic Disfunction or SPD. It's when your bones separate due to the weight of the baby. These bones are not normally supposed to separate therefore causing excruciating pain no matter what you do. Sit, stand, lay down, it feels like you have just been kicked and then stabbed in the pubic bone. Thankfully it didn't last long, and I was on to high blood pressure and regular visits to the hospital so I could be monitored while my other children climbed the walls and asked repeatedly when we could go home. And then came the baby......my beautiful baby boy! The moment when you know you would go through anything and everything just to hold this sweet baby in your arms. And this is why God made them so cute....so you can forget about the torture you just endured and fall in love with your miracle! 

The overwhelming feeling that you are now superwoman and can conquer the world will usually follow, but my advise REST! Just take a minute! You have the rest of your child's life to do things for him or her so just let other people do things for you and take time to recuperate. I didn't do this with my previous pregnancies and I know for many of us, it's just not an option. Life still goes on and things have to get done, but all your daily tasks will still be there FOREVER, so enjoy your baby and your family! Now on to next unpleasantry, how could I possibly forget the Hemorrhoids? I didn't have these after my three daughters, but leave it to me to make sure I experienced every single unpleasant experience some time during and after pregnancy. They tell you to make Witch Hazel pads, freeze them and put them on the area to relieve pain and swelling. And even though I think they did work to some degree, all I have to say is just go buy medicated cream. You don't have to act like a hero on this one! You just had a baby and other things are still healing. Now is NOT the time to get All Natural! Go get the cream so you don't bite someones head off or worse, go into complete crying convulsions. On to the next item......BALDING! So, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a character building experience or what? It's not enough that you feel all stretched out everywhere, your hormones are all whacked out, your boobs are sore, you're counting down the days you can stop wearing the granny panties and put away the pads that feel more like a diaper, and you aren't sure if you should stay wearing your large comfy maternity clothed or try to go stuff yourself back into your pre-pregnancy wardrobe, now my hair started falling out. I guess my hair was supposedly better during pregnancy? It started about 4 weeks postpartum......my hair falling out by the clumps! I thought I had started noticing changes in how thick my hair looked on top of my head when I looked in the mirror and thought that maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me . I was wearing my hair up on top of my head most of the time, but the first time I freaked out and thought I needed immediate physician care was while having a nice long hot shower. If you're a mom, you know we don't get many of these moments of relaxation uninterrupted any more!I wet my hair and ran my fingers through it and as I pulled my hand away from my head, I realized the hair was still on my hand. Half of the hair on my head must have fallen out during that next month. Thanks to a frightful Google search, I was able to calm myself down and I tried to convince myself that I would not in fact go completely bald, but that this trial might in fact continue for up to A YEAR!!!!! One website recommended investing into a few cute hats or maybe some headbands............ Ahhhhhh! Well gratefully I am here to tell you that I am now sporting a nice new growth of baby hairs all over my head and am hopeful that some day my long hair and baby hair just may meet and be the same length again. All of this aside.....I have to say something so cliche'....I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING! Life is all about learning and change and rising to the occasion, and for me I see my beautiful God given children and none of these things matter any more! My kidos are healthy and happy (most of the time) and maybe we as women live through all of these things, good and bad, so that we can offer a kind word to another women going through the same things or even our daughters some day. Every day is a gift and I am so honored to be a mommy! If you are experiencing any of these things, rest assure you are not alone! Try to stay positive and know this is only a phase.You'll get through it! I PROMISE! It is SO worth it!

Here's To Being a BLOGGER

Well.... what to write? And how to start this blog off on the right foot? I have so many unposted posts written and started, but none seemed fitting for my FIRST OFFICIAL POST! I guess I will start with how grateful I am to have an outlet to display my creativity, craziness, passions, and love of life. I am a stay at home mom and any stay at home parent or working parent knows that when you are at home too long with hecticness happening around every corner, things can get a little overwhelming. I LOVE being a stay at home mommy, so don't get me wrong! I feel completely honored to be able to bring up and guide my munchkins into what I know will be amazing contributing adults. The process of getting there can sometimes be agonizing and rough though..... I will not pretend that I know how to do all of this and still be sane by the end, so hopefully this will be a place where I can write what's going on in my head and things going on in my life and somehow be a better person at the end of each day. This is my way of getting the good, bad, and ugly out, without it dictating how I will be as a mother and wife. Ideally I see myself as being this amazingly fit attractive woman who my husband just can't wait to get "alone time" with, I cook all healthy meals from scratch for my family every day, my home is clean and organized, I am patient and kind to my children and discipline in a way that is effective, I have time to read and do daily devotionals, I have amazing style, I am strong, happy, and confident, I am gracious and kind and non-judgmental, I show the love of God on a daily basis, I make a difference in the world....etc. And all though many of these things may be true statements, most of which are not all at the same time, I fail so drastically on so many levels! I have so much to work on and yet I know I have so much to offer. I hope this journey will enlighten me and maybe support you in your journey and experiences as a mommy and wife. SO Happy Reading! And Here's to Being An Official Blogger!