A Little Down in the Dumps

It's been a couple of months since I've posted and quite honestly it's not because of the fact that I have been super busy with Thanksgiving, birthday party planning, running kids around, getting ready for winter break, keeping kids busy and happy during break, back to school......It's really because I've been struggling to have anything inspiring to say! I have been on the verge of breaking down over the last few weeks and the only thing I can say is that I feel like I'm sinking. My hormones are whacked and in return I'm feeling depressed, overly emotional and then completely unemotional, uninspired, grumpy, and definitely NOT sexy. Trying to continue in being a successful mom and wife have proven to be almost impossible! I'll make it I know and I'll get through all of this, but the shear fright of what is happening to me is really hard to deal with! The last time things were this bad for me was after my first daughter was born. I feel the same panic inside of me as I felt after her, but I think I'm dealing with things a little better given the fact that I have so many responsibilities and because I'm 13 years older. I say that, and then I realize how much I just want to scream, cry, hit something or someone, curl up in a ball, sleep.... It's so hard to know what to do! Finding the strength and motivation to even make phone calls in order to see a doctor or shrink, is trying. I'm just not me! Part of what sent me spiraling down hill is the fact that loosing any weight has been so hard since my son was born. In fact, I've gained weight since giving birth.....If you can believe that! I've Googled and found that many other women are dealing with this same problem! Which by the way, doesn't make me feel any better! It just makes me a slightly jealous of those mommies who aren't having this problem. Just being honest! You can only try so hard for so long without any results before tossing in the towel. It's not like he was just born or anything, He just turned a year old!
Depression has always seemed to be my shadow. Just hanging around for the right time to strike me and stand over me as a pouring rain cloud. My PCOS has a large role to play in my inability to loose weight, but before having my son I really had no symptoms and now this horrible thing is rearing it's ugly face once again. All the things that used to work in controlling it, aren't working. And I HATE taking drugs for the problem, but at this point I'm considering it! It's literally been my whole life on and off of dealing with weight problems.... and it is quite mentally challenging to get through all the baggage I have from all of it. I feel stuck! Stuck and hopeless much of the time. And worst of all, I feel like such a hypocrite! I've said so many things to my daughters about their confidence issues. "You are the only one who has the power to change the way you see yourself". "You are so beautiful! You are just the way God wanted you to be". I hear things like this in my head, and yet I just can't make myself believe them! I guess things like this help me to see that many times there are situations where the phrase "mind over matter" just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I think if you try to succeed in something, you should keep trying until you are happy with your results, It's just that depression has a way of disabling you in a way that is so strong, nothing can stop it.  Sure someone can help you temporarily maybe, but no one can snap you our of it long term! It has to come from inside of yourself. I'm just not there yet! And this is not a plea for someone to help me, because it really only makes things worse! My usual ability to see things with an encouraging perspective and through my learning glasses is just not working currently, so I do apologize! Hopefully if I have said anything that rings true to how you're feeling, you'll know you're not alone. We just have to keep moving inch by inch in the right direction even if yesterday put us back a few....Easier said than done.... I know! 

The Under Paid Maid

Some times I feel like a maid!!!! We as mothers fulfill all and more of what a maid does. In fact I could give a whole list of jobs we fulfill without earning a single dollar for them! Personal chef, nurse, teacher, chauffeur, therapist, photographer, event coordinator, counselor, party planner, cheerleader, hairdresser......laundry, dishes, diapers, and homework.....the list could go on for days as you know! It's a 24/7 job that gets no time off for good behavior and many times all of our hard work goes unnoticed! So many times I have wondered how anyone would even survive without me here to wipe the jelly off their faces or fill the hot water bottle when they have a stomach ache or tell them where their library book disappeared to. Oh and let's not for forget the socks and dirty shoes!!! Socks and shoes are usually left for me as a daily reminder of how much I am "loved and needed". If it weren't for a daily dose of "brake it up", I'm certain my children might kill each other! Somehow all these things leave me feeling worn down and I know if I think about it long enough, I am ready to run far far away without leaving a forwarding address! How is it possible for one person to keep it up day after day, night after night??? And then I finally came to the realization that even though I am worn down a lot of the time and feel like there is never a moment to breath, I LOVE MY JOB! Of course not everything! Diapers, arguing, and broken bones are definitely not on the list of things "I can't live without", but I really do LOVE what I do. See, I don't HAVE to do any of the the things I do! I could just sit back and watch as the house eventually blows up and someone uncovers us all from a mass of dirty laundry. I could pretend that my children will become model citizens without having guidance and the love of a mother.... I could just say forget it and walk away! But oh, how I would miss those faces! And can you imagine not having those dirty socks and shoes to pick up? I would miss my morning hairy monster stinky breath kisses, I would miss when my husband pulls me in and whispers how much he loves me and thinks I'm his sexy queen (even when I've been up all night with the baby and look like a train wreck), I would miss hearing "mommy I love you so much", "mommy kiss my boo-boo", or even do you know where my "such n such" is? I would miss the excitement, the frustration, the heartache, the happiness.....I would miss MY LIFE!  What else is there??? Yes I know we all have personal goals, hobbies, and maybe jobs out side the home, but chances are when we are old and grey we won't be searching through pictures to remember our own accomplishments or deadlines we met, but rather those of our children and family. Pictures of a tooth lost, first steps, science awards, milestone birthdays and anniversaries, yearly family photos, smiles and laughter are all things I know I don't ever want to live without! These are the things people long for and cherish forever! Every challenging day can bring new found wisdom as a mother, wife, and woman, if we only let it. We can either let the stress control us and those around us or learn and grow even through the storm. Am I really under paid??? Or can any amount of money ever measure the fullness of my heart??? Hopefully my new found realization will enlighten or encourage you or maybe you already know how much you are truly needed and loved! Either way keep going and know you are SO important and awesome and this world and your world at home, can't live without YOU!